In today’s BeerCast, Barley and Slouch dip into their vast stores of beer knowledge (aka Google and BeerAdvocate) to determine the answer to one of life’s most pressing questions. Namely, if you had a functionally useless friend named Goose, and he was shortly to be wed, what kind of beer should he serve at his nuptials? This question has vexed some of our greatest philosophers and scientists throughout the ages. Socrates once famously said, “Only the Oracle at Delphi truly knows whether or not Goose should serve a hefeweizen at his wedding.” Robert Hooke often angrily quipped at Isaac Newton, “If you’re so damn smart, why can’t you answer the notorious Goose Wedding-Beer Condundrum?” And, of course, Stephen Hawking once eloquently stated at a colloquium in Cambridge, “Who the motherfuck is Goose?”

Fortunately, Barley and Slouch have all the answers. Please feel free to disagree with them as viciously as possible in the comments section.*

*Technically, this is Part 2 of a longer Maltercation that was split up to prevent our listeners’ ears from bleeding. For Part 1, Mr. Slouch in the East End, click here. A big thanks to Scott from East End Brewing for responding to the last Maltercation. He graciously cleared up some of our misconceptions and we greatly appreciate his setting the record straight. Scott has built a mini-brewing empire in Pittsburgh brick by brick. We commend him for living the dream of so many Aleheads.


  1. Actually, in all seriousness, I think you guys dropped the ball on the Kellerweis. Having an entire keg “for the ladies” makes little sense in the heart of wine country. My guess is that they’ll stick to wine and sangria, and you’ll be left with a full keg of the hefeweisen…which makes the entire keg a palate cleanser.
    I’m with you on the Pliny (can’t wait to try that one) and the Brother Thelonius (though it’s not my favorite style of beer, I’d be happy to give that one a try). I propose you call your alternate up to the bigs and designate the Kellerweis for assignment: Goose, if you’re reading this, I vote Obsidian.

  2. Not that I have any clue who the fuck Goose is, but I feel it’s my moral obligation to provide my two or three cents on this subject.

    I completely back the Kellerweis decision for three reasons. 1) It’s going to be damn hot, wheat beers are perfect for the heat 2) Support the local purveyors 3) Great chance to push a gateway beer that might pull someone away from the usual crap that’s served at weddings. I feel like the wine crowd would appreciate such an offering and I would think the vast majority of the guests would recognize the SN brand.

    Pliny? Sure, why not. I find absolutely no faults in the logic behind this (I even support Slouch on this one, and we know how I loathe him).

    I love the Thelonious, and I of course love the other styles you suggested like Scotch Ales and Porters, but this might be a bit much for the crowd. Not that it’s a bad beer by any stretch, quite the opposite. I just can’t imagine too many folks grabbing the good Brother and having any idea what to do with it. Especially if it was in a keg, that would never get kicked in my opinion. Now, if you went with a completely North Coast sponsored event with 2 kegs and 3-4 bottle offerings, I’d be all for it. Just a thought.

    Goose, best of luck!

  3. Completely agree with Pliny the Elder and a hef (don’t really care which one though I definitely prefer German-style hefs using the traditional yest)…I love Thelonious, but I think it probably not a good wedding beer because I think with Belgians you either like them or you don’t. On the other hand, completely ignore me, I think it’s a great idea to have Thelonious.

    A practical beer, would be a Red Seal Red Ale from North Coast as middle beer. Americans seem to be gravitating to Ambers and Reds as a standard so that would provide a beer for gals, a beer for the Uncle, and a keg of Pliny for the Aleheads.

  4. That’s probably the “right” answer, Sween. But somehow Slouch and I focused more on our own desires and not so much on what was best for Goose’s wedding. Shocking, I know!

    I agree the Thelonius wouldn’t be a popular pick, but I don’t suspect Goose will listen to us anyway. The Red Seal is a nice session brew that everyone will enjoy. If he’s reading this…that’s a great, practical, and easily obtainable third choice. Nice work, Mr. Todd.

  5. Thanks for the long and rambling discussion, and Ripped, thanks for the well wishes. I have lobbed in an inquiry with our caterer to see if they can source a keg of the elder Pliny.

    I doubt that I’ll get 3 kegs, but perhaps you could revisit the topic with the assumption that I will provide a selection of bottles. That would allow you to recommend more than 3 beers and might allow for a couple of ultra high alcohol content brews and more than one stout. It will also be easier to carry the excess bottles back to the hotel for the after-party.

    It’s awesome when your friends call you both a racist and a pedophile in a semi-public forum. I hate you all.

  6. Dear Goose: how did it turn out? Did she really marry you after all? Wow. Speaking of settling, what did you settle on for beer for the bash?

  7. Mr. O’Neal…Goose’s betrothed still has a couple of months to regain her sanity and run like the wind. And we still have a couple of months to convince him to get a plethora of high-gravity, high-cost brews at his nuptials. I don’t think either scenario is likely to happen…

    It doesn’t really matter. Goose will most likely die at his bachelor party.

  8. Dearest Shaquille – I’m still finalizing the beer list. I’m 99% sure I’ll get bottles as opposed to kegs because (i) I just found out that the distributor will (shockingly) buy back the unused bottles and (ii) bottles can be transported to an after party and kegs must stay with the caterer.

    I’m pretty sure I’ll get Pliny the Younger, a high APV super-dark stout and then something lighter. I was hoping to get the Goose Island Bourbon County Stout, but it and their other stouts are seasonal and won’t be coming out until October at the earliest. I’m leaning to round out the list with a well recognized, female friendly, warm weather beer like Corona. I’m just not into Belgian beers so I nixed that idea. And, of course, Coors Light for doming. Regardless, I’m shocked that Slouch and Barley McHops didn’t recommend anything from Goose Island for the wedding.

    Dearest Barley McHops – thanks in advance for selling me out on the bachelor party.

    Love, Goose.

  9. Pingback: PLINY « Aleheads

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